I'm joking, of course. If you've lived in Cambridge for more than 35 minutes, you've had this conversation. Or read an article in the local 'newspaper'. (I use inverted commas because to be honest the Cambridge 'News' is a misnomer). Or, even better, chuckled at a furious, incoherent, frothing-at-the-mouth fact-free, mindless, bigoted tirade from a resident masquerading as a 'contribution to the debate' in epistolary form to said publication.
Bloody bikes. Yobbos in lycra. No lights. No helmets. Nearly ran over a kid or granny. Jumped a red. Scraped my car. Cycle in the middle of the road. Don't pay road tax. Should be licensed. Smashed one of my front lights when I ran straight into one. Scratched my passenger door when I knocked one over. Slow me down on the school run by lying bleeding in the middle of the road.
Cyclists rule this city. It's ours. We own the roads. And yeah, sometimes the pavements. Get used to us because we aren't going anywhere. Actually, that's the whole point - we are going somewhere, unlike you lot - stuck in traffic for hours every day, cursing every other road user, apparently unaware that you are are just as much traffic as they are, and that each cyclist whizzing gleefully past you and your execrations represents one fewer vehicle in front of you. You should be silently thanking every single cyclist who zips by.
Cambridge is a very small, very old city with a growing population far in excess of what its streets can reasonably support, to get in and out of and move around within it. As generations of both students and locals have discovered, riding a bike is the ideal way to actually get anywhere.
Cyclists are the dominant road users here, with good reason, and as such not only are we not going to disappear any time soon, but we're not going to apologise for our presence, silently accept every piece of nonsense written about us, meekly back down in a confrontation, or refuse to proclaim our inherent superiority in any debate about transport that actually works for Cambridge.
This city would have ground to a halt without us decades ago. Cycling allows tens of thousands of students to get to and from their lectures, sports matches, shopping trips, parties... You want every student to drive here? Half? Ten percent? No? Surely not even the most fanatical petrol-head would think that's a good idea. Cycling also allows locals to move around, get to work, shop, go to the pub, cinema, station etc, without city centre roads resembling a car park choked with stationary vehicles and toxic fumes - well, more so than it is already.
Everyone knows the health benefits of cycling, and that it's less harmful to the environment, and far, far cheaper than driving. In short, it's by far the most sensible way to travel here; and this city should be designed predominantly for cyclists. Anything else is just madness. Yes, I'm aware we need trucks and vans to deliver goods, and taxis, and we have to provide support for people who can't physically ride a bike (the elderly, disabled, infirm) - of course, but let's focus on the majority road users, cyclists, and give them every help and encouragement to continue cycling.
And if we do sometimes ride in the middle of the road, it's usually with good reason - most commonly because the cycle-path is obstructed or dangerous or there are parked cars blocking us or junctions with drivers who don't look before turning - but mostly to deter you from attempting to impatiently overtake with not enough clearance and unnecessarily risk our lives for the sake of a few seconds. If we accidentally bump into you or your child, sorry. It's not deliberate. But just thank God it wasn't a car. Look up the stats involving pedestrians in accidents with bikes and with cars. Then thank us for being on a bike so we didn't kill you. Yeah, we're not perfect, but generally we have more patience and awareness of what's going on around us than someone cocooned in a small steel box with four wheels. If we do jump a red light, get the fuck over it. We're not saints. But give me an asshole on a bike rather than one behind the wheel. Every. Single. Time.
So don't come to Cambridge and whine about how many cyclists there are everywhere, or one of them doing something you don't approve of. If you don't like it, stay away. Go somewhere where there aren't any bikes and drive around there to your heart's content. Move somewhere where no-one has the temerity to ride a kind of vehicle you don't like. You don't get to dictate who lives here and how they get around. This is cycle country and it's not going to change. Tweet, whine, post, write all you like about how that offends you; vent as much as you like about some fantasy scheme where everyone on a bike has a licence plate and rides at 5mph on the few cycle lanes you'll tolerate, meekly deferring to your presence on the road to get out of your way. But it's not going to happen. We're not getting out of your way. We're growing in numbers. The city (if it has any sense) is going to be more and more designed for our convenience, and less and less for yours.
My advice is, put down that green pen, leave the car in the drive, get your coat on, walk down to the nearest cycle shop (there are hundreds) and join us. You'll live longer, you'll be less irate most of the time, and you'll get that lovely feeling of flying past your former self sat, stationary, behind the wheel, fulminating at the horror and unfairness of it all.
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